Cal Christian Fellowship 2011 Vision Retreat: Day One.

I’m scared.

It’s not something I’ll admit to most, or even sometimes myself, but Padre Santo, hoy me doy cuenta de que tengo miedo.

I’m scared of México. I’m scared of reading Katie’s reflection I’m scared of looking through everyone’s pictures I’m scared to ask my brothers about last week–
I’m scared.

I’m scared I’ll burst out crying again. I’m scared that during someone’s sharing with me I’m gonna tear up in loving longing memory. I’m scared because I know what mi corazón tiene para el Proyecto de Ensenada is powerful & can be suddenly a lot to handle for someone else. I’m scared of missing the pastors and my kids and Tamasa so much I’ll regret my unforgettable summer. Temo el dolor del corazón.

More than that, though, I’m scared it’ll be okay. I’m scared I’ll look and listen and everything will be alright, that the distance of a year’s time and not having been there will render it all just stories of an experience in familiar lands & terms, but not-mine and not-resounding. That the words and the images will be delivered but my tears won’t come my heart won’t pound mi alma no gritará.

As it has been all summer, I’m scared to lose México. I’m terrified that Your call away from my home of homes is more permanent than just one year. I’m paralyzed by the possibility that mi corazón no será completo por años y años.

You scare me. You scare me because You want to call me to greater and greater things, and all I want, Abba solo quiero this one great thing.

I’m scared of growing up because it could mean growing past this. I never want to move on; quiero que nunca me lo olvide.

Dicen que nos conoces completamente, que has sentido cada emoción y sentimiento. Que Dios Sabetodo también sabe bien el ser humano. Esto lo sé, pero en este caso es difícil creerlo.

Temo también este año. I’m scared of stepping into leadership, into responsibility and visibility. I’m scared of being timid, inadequate, unhelpful. I’m scared of failing You and my coleaders and my small group, of missing opportunities. I fear the millstone around my neck.

I’m scared because I’ve never been good at looking ahead & a year of God-knows–You-know-what in the midst of MOC leading and EBAC worship and school and TAUG and academic probation and work and dealing with people (cue introverted-engineer jokes yes)… I can’t comprehend any of it.

Fear of the unknown? I fear the unknown.

I want nothing more than to be Your best, and ironically it’s this desire that brings the fear that’ll paralyze me from stepping out strong in faith to be just that.

& while we’re on the subject there’s a growing part of me that’s afraid gege was right anoche & I’m not actually going to healthily date anyone anytime soon. Which is largely fine by me, what with the effort and energy that is, but on those excruciating nights sometimes I wonder. If it’ll ever work out.

Oh, and I’m terrified of Senior Scramble. It’s the last thing in the world I want to be a part of, or classified under.
But Your hilarious comedic sense of humor will probably have a ball with that.

So not what I will, but where You lead and what You see and whom You give.
Let me steward well my several small talents: the times, things, skills, and ones You bequeath me.

Padre, en tus manos encomiendo mi espíritu.

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About xkawai

I write to find out what I'm thinking.
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