Dear God, I’m back in Oakland,

[This is how angry & disappointed I was Saturday night.
The post has been backdated to the savepoint on myTouch.]

Dear God, I’m back in Oakland,
You know where.

I really want to walk out to the boardwalk, but this truck parked catty-corner from me has at least one occupant. I’ll play it safe; he’s not worth the risk to my physical well-being & beloved vehicle.

Sigh I can’t even remember the last time I came out here. You know this is where I find my therapy, where I default find myself when something’s wrong.

But I do remember the last time I did this, the last time I was again the responsible sober one handling the inebriated. At least this time I wasn’t alone (thank You God). Because it was harder, more tense, & more obstinate than any other time.

Somewhere within me, I’m pretty angry right now: incensed that I care so much that I’ve wasted time & gas coming out here, furious that someone I’ve seen do good things just proved also absolutely incapable of heeding reason & care. I’m so tired of caring. I’m so tired of being scared & worried that people I’ve come to be fond of will somehow hurt somebody or ruin a life or few–including their own.

I should’ve left that car door open. Yeah, come back outside tomorrow morning to a dead battery. That’ll ensure you don’t drive anywhere drunk off your ass & pissed off.

But you had the audacity to stick that head of yours back out to yell me off your “private property” blah blah blah. Old man is right. I’ll get off your lawn. I won’t close & lock up your car for you next time. I won’t care that you could potentially in your state do any of a million stupid things you won’t even remember.

I don’t even know how much I still trust you, but maybe it was all the alcohol talking & our friendship will still be worth something after this. Maybe it was destined to come to a head anyway because of our [inevitably] clashing stubbornnesses. Maybe I won’t be seeing you anymore or coming to visit soon, & you won’t have to buy that damn breakfast bar. How bout that.

I don’t regret anything I did tonight, & I think I’ve got at least 3 more friends out of this whole deal. We did good. & saving someone from a huge, desperate mistake is always worth it. But that doesn’t mean I have to endure you.

I don’t even want to talk to you in the morning. You’re no stranger to hangovers anyway. You’ll be fine.

Just fine without me. & I’m fine with that.

.

Her name was 好路. Good road. & tonight we had to pull her off the wrong path.

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About xkawai

I write to find out what I'm thinking.
This entry was posted in nights, pennies and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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