PV’11 – Friday night

This session has been very personally difficult for me. Altar call was moved to tonight, & so the call to come forward for worship set was made.

As I sat with Connie watching the young people praise, I was hit suddenly with the thought that Tinho should be here. Where is my little brother? When did he grow up?
He’s going to college in the fall. How. When did this happen.
I want nothing but for him to find God ever more truly in the years to come, and I look at myself & ask, “was I a good sister? What kind of example have I been?” Oh I hope to God I haven’t failed.

To the altar call the direct response song was “restoration.” oh, CCF. That’s our response song to literally every emotional night we’ve had recently.

That, and Jason’s words about giving everything up, about how we so often cling to just something that oh God this can’t be yours immediately slammed back into that night I wrestled my God for my Mexico. The one He told me isn’t mine any more.

I hurt, still. I’m confused, still. I still can’t see Your future for me, and it’s even harder to trust and believe and hope in its betterness and beauty for me.

How.

On the one hand, I want nothing more than to wrestle and scream and ask these out with my God, who sees and knows and heals all.

On the other hand, I’m here for my girls–all 9 of them, 7 if whom stood at Your call tonight. I have to put myself aside. Jesus, I bid thee wait.

Yet, it’s okay to struggle, even (especially) as a counselor, a leader. It’s okay to have growing pains, and to witness through them. They are very real, and very You, this I know.

Isn’t it? But I shouldn’t (and can’t?) leave my co-counselors to this pivotal night. I can’t shirk my respnsibilities. A promise is a promise is an oath.

And who is here whom I can aak to minister to me while so many children are crying out for us?

I am not Pine Valley clientele, I am Pine Valley staff. I am.

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About xkawai

I write to find out what I'm thinking.
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